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Dear Lesbian

Words that needed saying, a message that needs relaying.

Sivu; Stirred not Straight

Dear Lesbian

I need to start by expressing how grateful I am for your existence. Seeing you and some of your friends introduce and confidently wear the lesbian label made it much easier for the 16year old I was to accept my attraction to other women. I drew a lot of strength from knowing you too were being ostracized for ‘acting like a boy’ but you never seemed to let it tame your life and I gladly emulated your way – for that, I forever will be grateful to you.

However, I have a few bones to pick with you;

Firstly, I would like to demand an apology from you. You may or may not be aware of this but we all represent a group, a type and ours is The Lesbians. Your conflicted spirit yearning to find validation by conquering all women has left us nursing broken self esteems…

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Tell Me Goodbye

“ go your way and I’ll go mine
Live your life and I’ll live mine
Baby you’ll do well and I’ll be fine
Coz we’re better off separated..”

Raymond Usher

The fire that burns in his heart threatens to consume his soul
The longing that beats in his breast does everything to control him
His minds alive with thoughts of she, His body aching for a touch like hers
His love is misdirected, His passion unrequited
His loneliness reflected in the eyes of his prize
Pride, placed aside tells the story of boastful denial

Like how can I let go when I’ve had you so long?
Why should I be alone when a future with you once I could behold?
If I let you go- and I mean all of you, Then I lose the connection that broke through my fort
If I walk away so you can be happy, My life’ll be left wanting of as pure a virtue
I’ve held on and hold on but every day your sorrow grows strong
I need you there- to be Mrs. Deya, But it’s not fair because not all of you is there

So I let go and wish you well, I’ll be strong and I’ll move on
I’ll cry inside with memories recalled but smile as well because your pain I stopped
I won’t claim magnanimous because I am as selfish as they come
And not being with you is my way of saying I love you
So take flight little bird, Fly free in the clear blue sky
Find love once again, But keep mine as well
Remember the good ones with fondness, And make the bad memories boundaries
Never let the lonely loom within you or the fear of being alone rule you.

This Talent Called Goodbye

You ever read that piece by T. D. Jakes or better yet heard the sermon “The Gift of Goodbye?” Did you like me nod your head in agreement with the message? Did you fully acknowledge the struggle that other people have when it comes to letting go? Did you holler “preach preacher” when he said their time in your life was done? I know I did! I then proceeded to sip my whiskey and commiserate with those sad souls who were either too blind to see or much too weak to leave when THAT time came. I mean how can you not see when it is over, how can it be so hard for any functional human being to not just walk away from something that no longer served their best interests; read growth, purpose or simply happiness? How pathetic could they be, for real!

If like me you fall into the majority of the human race, then saying goodbye to things that no longer appeal to us is a breeze, walking away from such is literally a walk in the park. We do it all the time and then go hang out with friends, more often than not in the company of distilled beverages, and talk it out. We sometimes hate, oftentimes bitch, other times laugh away whatever or whoever aggrieved us. IT IS THAT SIMPLE! We will wake up the morning after, feeling accomplished and pat ourselves on the back for being so strong- we will, we will, drop you drop you drop you- probably playing at the back of our minds. We’ll say “I am that guy, that winner you often read about you poor bastard you. Grab a seat and learn a lesson from the boss, take a page out of my book, be in awe of the master!”

Until we are faced with that decision to walk away from our heart! When goodbye is supposed to be said to emotion; and especially of the romantic variety.

Then we realize it really is not as easy as we imagined it was, in fact it’s harder than the proverbial camel getting through a needle’s eye we read of in the good book. When not at war with a mind spouting silly logic around why you should stay or arguing with a heart over the (mostly) pros and (very flimsy cons) of why you shouldn’t go, it is your spirit playing a 7D extremely fantastic reel of the good times with a few grainy frames of the hard or nothing at all. Now nothing at all is even worse than the lies you tell yourself to hold on to the hurt because that is the one that convinces you to not delve deeply into that self-assessment of what should or shouldn’t be for you. It is what traps you in work or drink or fun to block all thoughts of the consequences of really going at it. You find yourself escaping nights of shadows on the wall and scents on your beddings with thoughts of what “must” be done on the morrow. You make yourself so busy that you have no time to go through anything but the motions. You stop living, become accustomed to surviving.  A small part of you knows exactly what is going on but the louder part shouts out that it is better than the alternative.

If I have learned anything through my own experiences it is that it’s painful to know they will never again feel the same, that you are trapped between true love and being alone, but trust me when I tell you it is even more dangerous to stay stuck in limbo. Life passes you by; you lose the colour in your eyes, the sound of music fades, the poignancy of poetry is lost on you and the zest for life becomes severely diluted. You turn into a suffering junky; getting high on the flagellation of hermit-hood, rewrite the script and make everything your fault- forgetting that just as it takes 2 to tango it also takes an action- reaction force to cause things to go awry.

This in turn causes you to reach blindly for and run madly towards the object of your desire. They on the other hand will not be ready to go back to the way things were, in fact the harder you try the stronger they will resist. And after the crushing sense of rejection subsides you will start to hate and the hate my friend will be intense! You will hate because you will clearly see that while your life is falling apart, theirs will be moving forward. That does not necessarily mean that they are evil or even that they do or did not love you, it just means that the 2 of you are not at the same place at that point in time. But try convincing your emotional self of that at the point. You will go through this cycle of trial- rejection- hate a number of times and each time will destroy a little more of the memories you once cherished. And if not arrested in time, you will find yourself questioning why you were ever together in the first place? You will tell yourself that you were too good for them, persuade yourself that they did you a favour after all…and then continue to hate. Someone much wiser than me once coined the phrase “winners never lose, they win or they learn!” Your hate will blind you to that; it will deny you the objectivity to take the good with the bad, make you throw the baby out with the bath water. It will not only rob y’all of the chance to have a hale and hearty relationship after and even worse, poison you for the one who will come after.

So take the time today to say goodbye to those whose chapter in the book of your life is ended. Flip the page and move on to the next act. Remember them with the fondness of your baby blanky or favourite toy- take the memories with you but let the attachment die its own natural death. Do not fight the change for you cannot stop the inevitable or defeat the fated. Close your eyes and let go, just release. Where you land will be unfamiliar, scary even but it will be yours and you can therefore own it. Moreover you will be the better for it and aptly prepared for your destiny.

PB Diaries- Day 1


“…so what have you been up to?

nothing much, just a bit of this and a bit of that, you know just pushing it.

and your girl, how is she doing?

which one?

ha ha funny, your girlfriend- is she okay?

I think so, we broke up

I’m sorry to hear that, how are you doing, really?

oh, am good it wasn’t a bad break up, we are still friends.

but you are single now?

yeah, yes I am and totally ready to mingle

I’m glad, so you wanna hook up…

I mean who hooks up like that? Any blind fool can tell that those are the perfect beats for a destined for disaster dance, right? Well sadly I am neither blind nor a fool (at least I don’t think I am) and so i missed all the warning signs- actually i am pretty sure I saw them and just ran over them in my hast to get to the dance floor.

We were a match made in comedy Kingdom, we had naught in common except a love for hard drink and late nights but we gave it a go anyway and lasted all of 5 months. Wait, that actually counts as a long-term relationship for me; I usually average between 2 weeks (where the knowing each other is that awesome) to 2 months (where we have that much in contrast so that we spend a lot of our time on the outs).

If  it takes 3 weeks after you decide to give it a go to see each other (yet you live in the same city) warning bells should sound off in your head. When your first meeting after the said 3 weeks quickly degenerates into a verbal tiff (yet when y’all were just peoples you could have hours upon hours of conversation) you should start scanning the exits. And should you after all this end up so hungry for each other that you get it on in an alley on your way to the stage and a cab on your way home and against the door when the keys are not exactly co-operating (yet you have known each other for over a year with no carnal inclinations)  head for Ngong Hills and mind that you keep running until you get to the top of the fourth mound.

I knew all this but for some reason, reason just does not seem to apply to you. There is always another way, that exception that you believe is you. Verily I say unto ye “HA nikkaz and niggets”

We are always the rule never the exception so at that point when you think that it doesn’t apply to you, that you can beat the odds, that you know better than repeated history be sure that it does, you can’t and you don’t.

I was listening to some guys on my way home. I am not in any way Mr. Player player or Professor of people but like most any living being with a working mind, I can smell Bullshit from a mile away and sitting next to it makes it pretty dang hard to miss.

So am seated next to these men talking bout how they call the shots at home, how “…mke wango hata hawezi ongea nikiwa kwa nyumba…” and looking at them I cannot help but think “You lil ass man, you probably can’t tell your woman nothing.” See experience has taught me that dogs that bark the loudest are more often than not near or totally toothless.

But I digress, having encountered such my mind wandered to life and love and relationships and in particular my own. Maybe I should refer to them more as mini disasters- mini because we can still talk and laugh about it, disasters coz none of them ever worked out.

I had a girl in the not so distant past, we shall call her Pooh Bear and in retrospect I have to look at myself in the mirror (and I am pretty sure she does too) and ask myself, what was I thinking. We were good as friends and we are great as Flirt buddies, we probably would have been awesome as Sex friends but a relationship- that was stretching it!

I think now that I was more in love with the idea of falling in love than with the person at the other end of this love story and on her part she was probably,…I really don’t know, she was probably just looking to scratch an itch. Get yo mind out the gutter you retarded pervert, I was a literal itch.

She’d wanted us to date a while back but I was spoken for and could not and she actually tried quite hard. She failed of course but that was then, she doubtless wanted to vindicate her vanity. All good it was a win win, wasn’t it?

Hold up for the PB diaries and let me know.

The Law according to Mavi – act one

whiling and whistling

There you are minding your own bees wax when out of nowhere a strange number lights up your screen, only it’s not a strange number because as much as it does not come with a name you are sure you have seen it before- and it’s not deja vu. So you do the only thing there is to do, you pick up the phone

“I thought I missed you because I have been thinking of you” that siren of a voice says at the other end of the line “but I had no idea how much until I finally heard you speak.”

You know it’s a bunch of crap but a smile tags your lips anyway; you do not need to be told who has been missing you because you have been missing them too, or at least hating them for some affront- imagined or otherwise.

“I would like to see you.”


“I know you want to see me too.”

You really need to get over yourself- is what you want to tell her but say instead you may have crossed my mind a time or 2.

The meeting is always and ladies and gentlemen I mean ALWAYS a disaster:like how as a child you will see and instinctively know that sticking your hand into a (proverbial) pot of boiling water is bad for you but do it anyway and after you get burnt learn to stay away from bubbling liquids and instead go after the (figurative) fire- yeah ah huh, real smart- but I digress the point being it is a NO GO NO PLAY NO KARIBIA ZONE!

But unfortunately folks just don’t ever learn.

So there you are hair all did; beard trimmed, nails worked; shoes polished, cheeks puffed; shirt cuffed- going all out to impress or enviate (this is my blog so I have the right to decide which words exist and which do not) because of the memory you have.

Funny thing about memories, and I learnt this from a child in “500 days of Summer” is that we have this destructive habit of amnesiating (it is still my blog) ourselves into remembering only the good parts of our liaisons. We forget the annoying laugh, the embrassing walk, the blond questions, the insipid conversations- everything at this point is sunny and rosy.

Until you sit down and think about it- NO, not like that, I mean REALLY think about it. And this usually happens after y’all have hooked up anywhere from once to never. The veil of depth and/or mystery is lifted revealing a very ordinary, slightly queer and extremely unattractive (to the new you anyway) character under the facade.

If sex has been brought into the equation it makes it simpler to walk away, if not then and I say this with the utmost feeling for they who find themselves in this woebegone state, it is a long way down.



who we are

“…honey I hate you so much, really…” my friend said to me recently, laughing. Hardly the best of conversations between friends, huh! Or is it?

She was referring to my fickle nature with regards to lovers and leaving. It’s not the first time I’ve had that question asked of me or rather had the accusation hurled at me- it is the first time though that I have paid it mind enough to actually pause and ponder, and what I came upon is not the most flattering of conclusions; not for the person affected and/or the better half.

But the truth is that we are a combination of factors, a cacophony of people, a montage of experiences. Liverpool has it right when they say ‘You will never walk alone’, they caught on to the gem before the rest of us.

We think we decide our fate; that we determine where we are- that where we finally arrive at is of our own choosing. Sorry to burst your bubble babies but you cannot be more wrong. Every action has an opposite and equal reaction; remember that principle from hot sleepy afternoons in the Physics lab? Well it rings true in our day to day too.

Everything you are is as a result of the people around you. Sure we like to delude ourselves with such sweet sounding quips -I will succeed in spite of my circumstance- HELL NO we succeed because of the trials of our circumstances.

We prefer to misunderstand such sayings as -My past does not determine my future- OF COURSE YOU’RE RIGHT because your past can only determine your present which through interaction with external factors will shape your future.

I could do this all day, my point is no man could be a bastard without betrayal and no woman would be strong without hurt. We have all encountered something or someone who has had an adverse effect on our lives and made us who we are now and as these things go, we will undoubtedly come across other situations/people who will mould what we become.

We often times become the better for it but sometimes we become worse because of it. Bottom line, we change because of it;

“…what made you so flippant,” my friend wanted to know “How can you so seamlessly float from one heart to another?…” I told her as I tell you now, that is a story for another day.

we are who we are made to be

Going to hell

So I am heading off to sleep in the early morning hours of Saturday the 30th of July and find a shouting match going on where I am checking in. Person A told his wife that he was away of Safari, as did person B’s wife (allegedly have to travel out of town). Now person B is not a fool and somehow manages to figure out what’s going on so he goes on to person A’s home and get this, doesn’t tell Wife A what is afoot but instead charms the girl of the house.

Now as you can imagine none was happy to see the other this particular morning. Person A is angry that his good friend is taking advantage of his impressionable girl whereas person B is pissed that his long time compadre is heating the sheets with his wife. Wife B is annoyed at her husband, allegedly for not wanting to work on them and driving her to another man’s arms- although she keeps coming back to the fact that he is shamelessly pursuing a younger woman who would not want him for any other reason than money, making you wonder whether it is the heart or ego speaking here- and of course Daughter A is pissed that her dear old da is cheating on their sweet little mother.

We really have come a long way from the days when infidelity was a big ass deal. I remember a time when the very thought of cheating and been caught at it was enough to unnerve the meanest of men; being caught in the throes of such usually meant that somebody A would end up in hospital while somebody B would end up in jail. Now people just don’t seem to give a crap, is this then what we refer to as being developed?

I don’t get it, and I am not naïve, I mean I do understand that for a myriad of reasons sleeping around is here to stay but REALLY! What ever happened to the art of subtlety and/or subterfuge? So now the rule and not the exception has become to just go around doing what you want to do with no regard for propriety or pretense at morality.

What scared the heeby-jeebeez out of me is the fact that after that little scene person B and person A’s daughter still left together while person A and person B’s wife went back up to the room. I was left thinking WTF! do they not feel anything about, well anything?

Call me old fashioned, call me simple- hell go as far as calling me a barbarian but I believe in the rule of the jungle: man is supposed to mate for life and note that I do not refer here to sowing wild oats but doing the whole down the aisle routine. If you EVER go off the reservation there will be a death in the family; either a suicide or a murder… and since I love me too much I guess you can already guess which it will be.

Truth Hurts Coming Through

See I was brought up a certain way, fought it for the longest time as all young ones are prone to do. I think it starts at Terrible 2 when we are wired to holler over anything and everything- sort of makes me think of those Latin telenovelas where it qualifies as a miracle if you run through an episode without somebody crying over something or in most cases someone.

Then comes Sweet 16 when we have no choice but to believe that our folks must be the worst sort of dumdums there are. We think then that we are smarter than humanity and spend hours at a time coming up with perfect excuses and counter arguments for if and when we are caught and then get mad – in reality because we have been caught doing something untoward- because we are being picked on.

Then comes the Might 21s where you have no doubt in  your mind that the world owes you and anyone who does not believe it does can take a flying leap. drink too much, smoke one too many and party like a rockster, literally and figuratively.

Once you come out of the phunk stuff you were told as a hot blooded teen begins to make sense. I will not even try and pretend that I can recall all of them but can say with some level of conviction that I held onto the principle of them and that is the truth, the hole truth and nothing but the truth.

Okay sometimes it may be embellished a bit or have some details omitted but the point is, life is simple enough to be just about telling it like is- black and white baby; none of that gray area BS. Just keep it real, no matter how uncool or what a fool it labels you, far as I know no one ever had sleepless nights because they were for real